I have just watched a team I root for lose a game it should have won. This happens to me far too much, and I am beyond sick of it. As a result, I await the day when I either have children to coach or own a team of my own. I don’t know which will happen first. The latter, I hope.

There is no worse feeling as a fan than watching your team squander a victory it not only should have had, but that it deserved, too. In tonight’s instance, a soccer match, my team had two great chances to put the game away, and it couldn’t, then it got burned when some guy lost his footing, the other team hit a ball over the top to spring a breakaway, and the only chance of the game for those bastards goes in. 1-0 and they saunter back to their bus all proud of themselves with a win they didn’t deserve.

That will not exist for my future hypothetical team. I will run it with an iron fist that demands not only victories, but comprehensive victories complemented with a killer instinct that would make a death row inmate cringe.

The Alex Haueters–yes, I would name the team after myself until the players gave me a reason to dub it something else–would be merciless. We would start every season against a vastly inferior opponent, and the task would be very simple: Win dominantly, or don’t get back on the bus. Let’s take the hypothetical Alex Haueter’s pro soccer team:

Every season, we play the best local high school. Any victory by less than 15 goals will be seen as a complete failure. I don’t care if it comes at the expense of some poor pizza-faced kids’ self confidence. There are thousands of things out there to give impressionable youngsters a falsely inflated sense of self worth. Playing against my team will not be one of them.

I need savage ruthlessness from my players. If they don’t have the killer instinct to beat a punch of kids who can’t even drive by at least 15-0, then they clearly don’t have what it takes to grind out tough results in league play, and particularly wasteful players will be sent packing. My team will require maximum efficiency. Would you buy a car that had eight cylinders but only fired four of them? Of course you wouldn’t. It’d be a half-assed piece of shit.

I would, quite simply, demand my players be a whole team of that guy. My coach would be the guy who yells at his team from the bench at every corner kick that doesn’t produce a shot on goal…even with a six goal cushion. Mine would be the team that leaves the starters in. Mine would be the team that refuses to play keep away or take a knee.

And you know what?

Other teams would fear us. Other teams would hate playing us.

And yes, beating us would feel extra special after we put that one-sided beatdown on them last time out. Teams leaving Alex Haueter Stadium (yeah, I’d name that after myself, too) would be treated to derision from beer-addled fans and a giant video board replaying their failures at the hands of my ruthless team. The field at Alex Haueter Stadium would be watered only with the blood and tears of the opposition; it wouldn’t even need sunlight; and it would be the healthiest grass in the land.


2 Responses to “Venting, 7/4/2010: Killer instincts”

  1. jdschaefer Says:

    I nominate the field to be named “Joe Schaefer Field” at Alex Haueter Stadium.

  2. Alex Haueter Says:

    Lucrative sponsorships will be key to the success of the Alex Haueters when playing at home. If the money is right, you can name the field anything you want.

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