When Joey Schaefer’s soccer team, the The Bieber Exterminators, takes the field for the first time this week, they will be a ragtag group without team jerseys. Instead of sharp, uniform outfits, they’ll be a motley collection of similar shades of red T-shirts and whatever shorts they can stumble upon.

Well, team, here we are. It’s opening day. The day when every team is in first place and everyone has as much a chance of winning a trophy this year as the other.

And look at you. You’re a mess.

But that’s the joy of a long season. Starting now, we’ll be improving every day, every game. Win or lose today, I know next week we’ll definitely look better, because we’ll have our uniforms. We’ll look like a team.

But let’s use this to our advantage. Look at those other guys. Take a good look: High-end Nike jerseys, fresh numbers, team crest on the shorts. They probably all wear matching panties. They think they’re so sharp, and they keep looking over here with disdain.

So put that chip up on your shoulders, team, and let’s show them. We don’t need uniforms. We may all have on different shirts and pants and — hey, Tom, put your pants back on — but we all have the same desire to win, to attack like D Day beach stormers and defend like Spartans. We don’t need fancy kits for that. The T-shirt and shorts from Target are the official uniform of the working class, a sweat-stained symbol for what it means to be a weekend warrior.

So let’s take it to them!

They think our skills must reflect our appearance, but only we know that’s not the case. Every shirt here has stories to tell. Stories of glory, of goals and assists, of group hugs to celebrate a stoppage time winner, of telling some smart-ass 18-year-old what a dirty skank his mother is. That’s what team spirit is.

So remember, team: There’s no “i” in team, but there is in “uniform,” and that will be our advantage.

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