This pep talk needs no introduction other than to say that if it speaks to you we are sincerely sorry.

Friend, we have a problem…and it’s you, not me.  This is a little awkward to bring up –and most likely quite embarrassing for you to admit– but I’ve seen the signs and it’s time for an intervention.

STOP FOLLOWING LINDSAY LOHAN!

We all know what you’ve been doing online in your spare time.  You’re obsessed.  Thanks to twitter, there was a time when you could pinpoint her exact location every 15 mins.  Not a day went by that you weren’t on top of her situation.  Recently those blips of useless drivel stopped, and your mood fell through the floor.  Something about a jail sentence perhaps?  Sifting through old posts won’t satisfy your need, and now you are desperate.  You’re downright hard to deal with and it’s time to reflect.

What started out as a promising career plagiarizing legitimate movies (that’s right, Parent Trap), the exploits of Lohan have been well chronicled.  These days she’s lucky to find any work at all, and rumor has it that ‘jail sentence’ doesn’t count as an acting internship.  Unless you’re researching roles for strung out ‘crack addict.’  Indeed, it appears that the list of roles available for a “cocaine-induced driving  often-boozing party girl with a me-first personality” currently stands at about ZERO.

So what’s the deal?  Why can’t you get enough of this whiny brat?  In other words, WHAT IS WRONG WITH YOU?

You can’t resist her.  You’re ensnared in her trap.  You want to be like her; your hair changes shades of blonde with every photo update.  Deep inside your soul, you know it’s wrong.  Deep inside your scalp, your roots are dying. 

STOP.

In this case, imitation is NOT the greatest form of flattery.

Close that hidden internet browser!

It’s time to start a new life.  A life without this tramp.  A life where your every decision isn’t dictated by the “What Would Lindsay Do” mantra you’ve followed since “Freaky Friday.”

How long has it been since you felt beautiful?

How long must you wait for life to have meaning for YOU?

Ancient peoples, after long days tending to their tepid lives, often took repose in reflecting the stars.  Most passed into history unknown, but some became great.  Some proposed theories about the nature of the universe, while others contributed inciting theories about religion and the physical world.  A select few even met Jesus.

And do you know how these people became so great?

It’s because they were looking at ACTUAL STARS!  You know, the ones in the sky?

They were focused on the workings of real phenomena, not the mindless ineptitude of inflated egos.  They followed something REAL.

GET A NEW HOBBY.

It’s not too late to start again.  Refresh your mind.  Enliven your soul.

Purge the horrid creature from your mind and seize this chance before it passes you by.  SHE’S OUT OF JAIL and those tweets could start up at any moment.

You may never have another opportunity.

Remember those people who care about you?  Well, that’s soon to be ‘cared.’

Don’t let that happen.  It’s time. It’s time to start over.

And God help you if you don’t.

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