Recently, a plague of inquiry has befallen the administrators of this forum.  Perhaps you could also use a few words of inspiration when it becomes your turn to carry on this age old battle.

Gentlemen, your attention, just for a moment.

We need to discuss a serious issue that plagues the young and married with increasing severity every day.  It’s an issue that’s been around as long as guys and gals have been hitching up, and the consequences are to be heeded.  More than one of your wives has been pestering you about ‘getting a dog.’  It’s dire straits here, gentlemen, and it’s best you heed my warning.

Remember ‘Jon and Kate plus 8?’ Well, that used to be just ‘Jon, Kate, and some dog.’  And before that? simply ‘Jon and Kate.’  Now it’s ‘Kate plus 8.’ 

Tell her to think about that one for a second.

There’s a reason so many of the ‘Desperate Housewives’ are single, it’s because they owned dogs.

Just look at Paris Hilton: She owns a dog and she is FaBuLOuS!

Lindsay Lohan? Yeah, she probably has a dog too.

Each of these women has fed the urge to care for something for which they have no experience or ability.  Each of these women has succumbed to the insatiable desire to have and not hold out for a better situation.  And you know what happened?  Each of these women has become a desolate shell of a human being.

Here’s the deal, when women become settled in a relationship, their biological clocks go into warp speed.  Suddenly “I don’t want kids until I’m 34” becomes “When it’s time, it’s time.”

DING DONG!  That time is NOW and it’s started to manifest itself in the form of those adorable puppy photos she keeps texting you.

But you’re smart.  You’ve been briefed on this situation.

To you she’s saying ‘puppies.’  But her subconscious is screaming BABIES!

BABIES BABIES BABIES!!!!

You’ve got to be strong.  You don’t need a puppy.  Yes, it could be ‘fun’ to have another man around the house.  Yes, it could be cool and rewarding to train.  And yes, it would get you off the sofa and outside a few times a week.  But really, that dog will become as fat as you are within a year as you both watch the same Golden Girl reruns on TBS.  Think about where this is going!  Getting her that dog is only going to make things worse.  It’s the gateway drug to procreation.  It’s a one way ticket to a house full of babies, and you and I both know how you feel about babies.

You HATE babies.

They make every bad situation even more unbearable.

Tired on the flight back from seeing a friend?  Might as well add ‘reality defying headache’ to the recipe because, guess what?!, there’s a baby in 14B and its teething.

And wtf is up with that?  No teeth?  That’s just creepy. 

The only thing babies are good for is getting you out of Church.  But YOU DON’T GO TO CHURCH.

That’ll change the moment you start a family!

Sure, they’re cute and more often than not charming, but really, did you honestly think you wanted to have a kid now?  That’s the message you’ll send her the moment you say ‘Gee whiz honey, a dog is a great idea!”  Within months the instinctive need to nurture will again rear its head, and when it does let’s hope you’ve got protection.

You DO HAVE protection.  You have your mind.  You know the situation.

It’s time to set a precedent! 

It’s time to hold firm to your beliefs!

It’s time to take a step back, STOP being such a man, and say “I can’t handle a dog right now!”

Research indicates that approximately 50% of marriages lead to divorce.  And how many of those relationships involved dogs?  Almost all of them ! (not proven)

So the next time she looks at you with ‘puppies’ in her eyes, read the signs, and JUST SAY NO.

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