Alex moved into a new house with a great big basement just calling out to be converted into a sweet hang out space, complete with TV, an old PlayStation, some guitars and a crappy-but-still-comfortable-for-napping couch. This basement wasn’t meant to sit unoccupied, awaiting the moment when humans would next need to do laundry. But it wasn’t unoccupied. In fact, it was a thriving metropolis of eight-legged creepy crawlers. Housing crisis? Not for spiders. They are building like mad in Alex’s basement, inhabiting windows, boxes, rafters, and exposed insulation.

So if you share this spider problem, read on for the motivation to do something about it, even if one might crawl on you and give you the heebie jeebies.

So, your basement is filled with menacing, possibly venomous and deadly spiders. Lend me your ear, just for a minute or two, and consider the following:

Years ago, your mother gave birth to a tender, screaming baby. It had a penis, and was thus deemed a boy by medical professionals. They said one day you would grow into a man. Nobody knows when for sure, but somewhere, somehow between that miraculous day and now, a terrible thing happened: You strayed from that destiny.

Today, faced by the teeming hordes of disgusting spiders in your basement, you stand precariously on the edge of never regaining it. Do you bow your head in shame, trading in not only your pride but all sense of duty and dignity as well? Do you kneel down before the fear that bites at the pit of your stomach and edge of your sanity?

No!

This is your house. You pay to live here.

Those bastards won’t live there for free. If they’re gonna stay, they gotta pay.

WITH THEIR LIVES!

When Dr. Ross Jennings’ family was overrun by poisonous arachnids in the 1990 sci-fi thriller ‘Arachnophobia,’ did he give up and leave them to die?

No. He took on the spider Hive Queen and shot a nail through its hairy heart! And you know where he did that? In the basement.

When Bilbo Baggins was attacked by the spiders of Murkwood, did he allow himself and his friends to be mercilessly turned to spider Slurpees?

No! He whipped out his sword and stung his way to freedom.

When Ronald Weasley and Harry Potter were running scared through the Forbidden Forest, did they allow themselves to be horrendously eaten by the Acromantulas?

NO! They hopped in an enchanted automobile ran about a dozen of them over, and later buried their leader.

And to think, you’re willing to admit you’re less of a man than an actor, a midget, and a whiny British back-up character. For shame, sir. For shame.

NOW is your chance to make amends! NOW is the time you’ll prove your worth! TODAY is the day you’ll pull back the veil of uncertainty and replace it with the glare of DEATH.

You are a killer.

SAY IT!

I AM A KILLER!

SCREAM IT!

I. AM. A. KILLER.

Grab that broom! I AM A KILLER! Grab that vacuum! I AM A KILLER! Drink a beer. I AM A KILLER!

Now, show us who you really are. Reclaim your manhood. Fulfill your destiny. KILL THOSE CRAWLING BASTARDS!

Pep talk results: To be determined. Alex claims he is dedicated to going into the basement this weekend, vacuum in one hand, Raid can in the other, beer helmet on and armed.

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