Joey Schaefer argued that the opportunity to see an undesirable movie should be embraced. But his pep talk might ring hollow to some stubborn ears, like Wade Larson’s. So for those of you with some trepidation about refusing invitations to movies you really don’t want to see, Mr. Larson has prepared a pep talk of his own:

Are the vampires in a band? Vampire bowling? What's going on here?

Men, there comes a time in all our lives when we must answer a dire question; a question that strikes at the very core of who we are as men. This is one of those times: a time when your wife (girlfriend/significant other) asks that you take her to see a terrible, terrible film you have no interest in viewing. It doesn’t matter if this film is about angsty vampires or if its a romantic comedy staring Jennifer Aniston. It is a matter of principle! You have a duty to yourself, to your testicles, and most importantly, to ALL MEN EVERYWHERE. You must say, “No.”

How you say no is up to you. You may want to go for polite refusal, outright denial or somewhere in between. This is relative to your relationship. But the bottom line is you MUST refuse. In the name of all who bare man-parts, you must draw a line in the sand and declare that you are a man! A man with the three P’s: pride, a penis and a pair of balls! Stick to those. Because if you give in now, they are no longer yours. They are hers. And a man never, ever gives up the three P’s to a woman! (Perhaps you give up one or two at critical points, but NEVER all three.)

And you must have perseverance! A fourth P! Because she will hound and harangue, she will pester and plead, she will threaten and tempt, but you must never give in to her feminine whiles, for they are transient, transparent and transfiguring. If you GIVE IN NOW, on this critical issue, she will have won now and forever. If you consent to one terrible film, you consent to them all. AND WORSE. You consent to operas and musicals about people with AIDS. So you see, this is not about a film. This is not about her wanting to share her interests with you. This is a plot to directly undermine your FOUR P’s!

If you are righteous, if you are steadfast, if you are resolute, you will succeed. And while she may thrash and moan and withhold your boob privileges, this will pass. She will be quick to forget when she wins the next battle (as she inevitably will) but you will smile within. You will have peace. You will be content in the knowledge that while you may have agreed to go with her to Bed Bath and Beyond to compare thread counts, you won the far greater fight. When everything was on the line, you reached deep — deep within your pants. You took hold of your balls and said “These are mine!” You will say “I do not care for team Edward or team Dylan or David or whoever, I am a member of team MAN. And this day, you will not have victory! This day, we stand firm together! This day, WE ARE MEN!”

Then, when you have made your declaration, tell her she should take her girlfriend who won’t shut up how hot that damned sparkly ponce is. You’re going to the sports bar to drink whiskey and talk batting averages. Tell her you will be glad to see her at the end of the night. You’ll even ask her how the movie was. Tell her you don’t have to sparkle to be a great man; but you do need balls. And you can both rest easy knowing, that YOU sir, have huevos grandes.

Pep talk results: To be determined. Please share results below.

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