It’s finally the weekend. A long week has past, and it’s time to sit down, crack a beer, and watch the game, right? No. It’s not. You have to go “help pick out a few things” at the mall. It’s a terrible fate many before have suffered, but it’s a bullet that YOU MUST BITE.

Take a good long look at that glorious 55-inch high definition TV in your living room. Remember how it looks. It’s beautiful. It sounds amazing coming through the 7.1 surround sound you picked out at Best Buy a couple months ago. You thought the luster would wear off, but it won’t. British Parliament blowing up in V for Vendetta will sound as glorious in 10 years as it did the night you threw it in the Blu-Ray player and sat stunned as your senses were rocked from every side.

Too bad you can’t watch it. It’s not an option, and I know getting dragged to the mall isn’t how you imagined spending your Saturday afternoon. It isn’t how you imagine spending any afternoon.

But she’s spoken: “I just need to pick out a few things.”

A few things? If she only needs a few things, why do you have to go with her? WHY?

Because your presence is absolutely critical. Or she’s lying. Either way, you have to be there.

What if one of those few things is really heavy? She doesn’t want you to go along. She needs you to go along because only you can carry it out to the car and stuff it in the backseat.

What if she wants your opinion on something? What if one of those “few things” is at Victoria’s Secret. Now wouldn’t that be nice? Just picture it, all sexy, lacy, and … HEY! You better not be picturing the sales rep in that Let’s focus here! Wait, no. Let’s pause on that for just a moment longer.

OK. And what if she’s lying? What then, Mr. I-Wanna-Watch-The-Game? You stay here, she leaves with just enough fury to justify popping into The Limited to see what’s on clearance. Or worse yet, stopping by Cinnabon.

Oh, sure, Cinnabon smells great, and it’s so delicious, but do you know how bad those things are for you? There’s like four sticks of butter in just the icing. Do you want her eating four sticks of butter? Of course you don’t. She’ll get fat. And you don’t want that, so hit the off button, put the recliner back in its full upright and locked position, and get your ass down to the mall and PROTECT HER FROM HERSELF!